Creative nonfiction

September 22, 2008

Traversing A World in Which Dead Men Tell No Tales
It had been close to a decade since I strolled through the Magic Kingdom. But in the early winter of 2005, I was given my very own key to the pristine gates from my two best friends.
Chad and Kasey conspired together to buy me an annual pass to Disneyland for my eighteenth birthday, and I can safely say it was one of the greatest gifts I had ever been given. The three of us all possessed these cards, which we treasured as though they were made of gold.
My first night there we ran through the gates, hand in hand in hand. It was already fairly late and the park would soon be closing. It was a brisk night in January and the park was all but deserted. As we zipped up our sweatshirts in unison, we made a beeline for one of my favorite rides, Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s located in New Orleans square and right outside the ride there is a corner deli that sells Gumbo in homemade bread bowls.
Now this was after the first movie had come out but before they all but ruined the ride to accommodate it. We were lucky enough to experience it in all its glory, they way it was meant to be. We ran straight to the front of the awaiting boat, which would guide us through this exciting ride. Though the ride is propelled by water, it is almost impossible to get wet…unless you happen to sit in a puddle on the seat of the boat. With my luck of course, I walked off the ride with a wet behind.
The boat immediately transported us to another time as soon as we left the docks. All of a sudden we were floating along in the Blue Bayous of Louisiana. There are fireflies flickering about, houses on stilts and even an old man swaying in a rocking chair, whistling on his front porch. Crickets, owls and bullfrogs create a symphony of sounds. We come to an arch where a skull mounted on crossed swords comes to life to tell us, “It be too late to alter course, mateys. And there be plundering pirates lurkin' in ev'ry cove, waitin' to board. Sit closer together and keep your ruddy hands in board. That be the best way to repel boarders. And mark well me words, mateys: Dead men tell no tales!” We barely have the chance to catch our breaths before being plunged into the pitch black depths below the arch.
When we come out of the tunnel we’re greeted by what looks like an underwater cave. There are stalagmites and stalagtites coming from every direction, and glistening waterfalls echoing throughout the cavity. To the right there are pirate bones scattered along the sandy beach. We go over a small fall ourselves, where I again, somehow manage to get wet.
We see pirates, sans flesh, frozen in time, doing what they do best. Consuming their favorite spirits (we see the glowing liquid pass right through the rib cage), counting their treasure (inspecting some coins through a magnifying glass) and one is even sitting atop a mountain of gold, beaming with glee through his cheek…bones. I am always amazed by the details of the ride. One of my favorites being the piano playing, “A Pirate’s Life For Me” without a pianist to strike the keys.
We make our way through another tunnel which opens into a pirate ship battle in the middle of the ocean. Pirates are brandishing their swords and yelling across at one another. Each side is shooting off cannons and we’re caught in the crossfire! We see (and feel) the cannonballs landing on either side of the boat. I hold my breath as though this is the first time I’ve ever experienced this. As we’re guided through the water we come to a town that has been ranshacked. Pirates have taken over! There is an auction taking place, women are being given away as brides to the drooling pirates on the other side of us. They shout out “we want the redhead!” referring to the busty crimson haired woman tied up in ropes. Beyond this we see several tustles going on between men and women. What once was a scene with men chasing women has now reversed the roles with the women chasing the men who seemingly have ravaged their kitchens. Its plainly obvious that all the pirates are well beyond the point of drunk, slurring their words and joking with animals.
Further on we see a trio of pirates singing the anthem, “Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A pirate’s life for me!” Everything around us is on fire, we feel the heat and see flames bursting out of windows.
We slowly enter my next favorite scene, a series of men imprisoned, attempting to coax a dog into giving them the keys to the barred cell. One of the men is whistling, his lips are pursed and his cheeks puff out with each tone expelled.
The final part of the ride is a shoot out between some drunken pirates. As their guns go off, the ricochet off exposed beams, hanging signs and armor. They are yelling barely comprehensible slurs to one another and two men push a treasure chest up the left side of the river. I think a woman had to have fashioned one of these pirates, as he has a perfect behind.
We make it safely back to the docks all in one piece, and as luck may have it, the two other passengers managed to come away dry.