Work In Progress

The following is an essay I am working on for my Creative Nonfiction Writing class, still in its draft stage:


I have a freezer full of vegetarian lasagna and chili. Soymilk and Boca burgers in the fridge. Oh, and steaks for my roommate and her boyfriend.
We have enough ice cream to last us through the next depression.
I imagine Hell to be something like my French class…throw in some eight-legged clowns and I’d have myself the perfect nightmare.
All my furniture can be found in the 2008 Ikea catalog. I have the MALM 3-drawer chest in black-brown, the BENNO CD/DVD shelf unit in black-brown. Which is currently turned on its side and housing my ever growing book collection. I also own the MIKAEL computer table with casters, in you guessed it, black-brown. It’s disposable, generic and boring. I hate that.
I’m beginning to believe there is a direct correlation between the amount of time I date a guy and the amount of crazy they end up being.
Today a spider watched me as I showered; I shoved myself as far as I could into the fiberglass corner. The length of time it took for the shampoo to make its way into my left eye was about the same it took for me to gather up enough courage to spray him down the drain.
I never liked Britney Spears.
I have nothing to wear! Aside from the two ever-growing piles of dirty laundry, the clothes that are still on hangers all have tiny holes eaten by the machines in the Laundromat. Which I pay for, three dollars per load to be exact. Lovely.
The Joys of Alcoholic Consumption: The Morning After
I always wake up around 7am, even if I had just gone to bed two hours prior. My eyes are so dry I feel they will blow away like desert sand if I open my lids. My mouth feels like I’d been licking the carpet, no matter how well I managed to brush my teeth before falling asleep. And I somehow wind up with a Kangaroo pouch where my relatively flat stomach used to be.
I think my hair is turning pink. No, seriously, I’ll show you.
I own fifty-dollar bras, which I wear beneath my 2 for $10 tees. The majority of my closet was purchased at Forever 21. Trendy, expendable clothing at a price that doesn’t make you hate yourself as you’re walking out of the store.
Chad and I are “Will and Grace.” We were “Will and Grace” before there was a “Will and Grace.” They were modeled in OUR image. I know every girl with a gay best friend says this, but honestly, we so win.
I am the owner of three e-mail addresses, a Myspace page, a Facebook page and an online blog. I’m beginning to understand where my hermit-itis came from.
Concerts
I’ve seen roughly 130 different bands/musical artists live over the past four years. Over 80% I’ve seen at least twice and half I’ve seen five times or more. I consider myself an avid surfer of crowds. And I can almost always get front row center, whether it be tapping shoulders politely, “’scuse me, hi, you are much taller than me…” or shoving my elbows in necks, ribs, stomachs…you get the gist. Lately, I’ve notice myself saying, “These damn kids…” several times during a show. Makes me wonder if I’m getting too old for this kind of thing.
I have had three stalkers in my lifetime.
I asked my mom once if a thirteen-year age difference was too much to marry someone. I was ten and I had just watched Leonardo DiCaprio sink to the frigid depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
I’m currently going through a transition between a girl who aspires to own every shade of MAC eye shadow, to one who only owns eco-friendly, vegan products.
(Needless to say NOT MAC cosmetics.)
I count the Beatles and Incubus as my top favorite bands.
I have a box of Cheez-Its on the nightstand and a vibrator hidden beneath the sheet.
Ha, I’m twenty-one years old and I’ve only ever had sex with myself.
I can’t tell if that’s impressive or pathetic.
To this day I’m convinced that my fourth and fifth grade teachers hated me. So did Mrs. Newton, 7th grade English, and Dr. Wakefield, 11th grade English. All the others loved me.
Two perhaps a little too much.
I tend to speak with ellipses…whether it be for emphasis or because I had forgotten what I was saying, while in the midst of saying it.
Change in taste
I was always into blondes. Doug Hilton, Mick Nicola, Justin Timberlake, Landon Kern, Leo DiCaprio, Kyle Carpenter. Then I saw Mr. Boyd for the first time in 7th grade and my world, as I knew it, collapsed. Did I mention I met him in person this year?
Yeah, we had a “moment.”
I hate my depressing job; I’ve been doing the same thing for four years and at this age, that’s a lifetime. I’m scared to look for a new job though, what if I’m not hirable?
I aspire to one day have long hair… and be Ryan Seacrest’s successor. At the rate my hair grows, it’s a neck and neck competition to see which one happens first.
I am registered as a part of the Green Party. This will be the first year I am voting and I couldn’t be more excited.
I’m in my fourth year of junior college and at this point I have no idea when I’m going to graduate. I’m studying to be an Aerospace Engineer or a Cirque du Soliel Trapeze Artist.
Stop asking.
I learn more about myself everyday, and I consider that one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.