Shortly after I moved out here I went into a minor state of depression. I was alone and lonely, so I started to take these herbal mood enhancers . . . and they worked. But the problem was, if I missed a day, it was near impossible to get out of bed. I just didn't want to face the world. In spite of these pills (which may be placebos for all I know) I still haven't felt quite myself.
Up until recently anyway.
I love getting ideas and making plans for the future. My current obsession is a cross-country road trip. I want to drive ten thousand miles over the span of two weeks. I want to see Mount Rushmore and the "Giant Ball of String" and Central Park. Among ten thousand other places I cannot think of at the moment.
Sometimes I feel like if a surgeon cut open my head endless ideas would flow out. Like an endearing waterfall of fears and hopes and wishes that I don't dare share with anyone. At times I feel like all these emotions are burdensome, and a voice deep inside often says to give up. I often scream at myself that I am average and have no talent.
And it is thoughts like these that can make a smiley person depressed.
The moral of the story is some days I don't particularly like myself but I've stopped taking the pills for the sheer hope of finding happiness the old fashioned way.
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